Opportunity Language

Use opportunity language. It is hard not to get defensive when you hear what you are doing wrong in your job. Often we know our weak points, so hearing them just compounds our self-criticism. Or on the flip side, it is rough to hear that you are struggling with something you thought you’d mastered. Defensiveness closes down the opportunity to learn. Arguing with defensiveness is a downward spiral. When you are giving feedback, a few tweaks to the language frame can often help you avoid getting a defensive response. Sometimes you’ll still get defensiveness, but approaching feedback as a conversation can mitigate it.

Instead of:

You should…

[Oh yeah? Well, you should….]

You don’t…

[I do all the time, just not the day you watched!]

You have to…

[I don’t have to do anything.]

You had better…

[I’d better what? Go find a new job with a boss who can give feedback?]

Try:

I wonder if you could…

[Mmmm, maybe I could try that…]

I might try…

[That’s an interesting idea.]

Have you ever…

[I do sometimes and it does work.]

I see ___ and I’d try to…

[That’s super helpful. I’m so grateful for your mentorship.]